The Joker: I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… stranger.
[stumbles out of wrecked truck]
The Joker: [to Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*
The Joker: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?
[nobody responds; The Joker walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]
The Joker: You know where Harvey is? You know who he is?
[grabs a man's face]
The Joker: You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little.
[turns the man's face away]
The Joker: No…
The Joker: And I thought my jokes were bad…
The Joker: You know, I’ll settle for his loved ones.
Gentleman at Party: We’re not intimidated by thugs!
The Joker: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.
[pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]
The Joker: I hated my father!
Rachel Dawes: [off screen] Okay, stop!
[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]
The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey’s squeeze, hmm? And you *are* beautiful.
[hovers around the incredibly nervous Rachel]
The Joker: You look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got ‘em?
[grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]
The Joker: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks… look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can’t take it. I just want to see her smile again, hmm? I just want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So… I stick a razor in my mouth and do this…
[mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]
The Joker: …to myself. And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling!
[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he meerly laughs it off]
The Joker: A little fight in you. I like that.
Batman: Then you’re going to love me.
The Joker: It’s a funny world we live in. Speaking of funny, do you know how I got these scars?
Batman: No! But I know how you got these!
[bumps along while driving hijacked truck]
The Joker: I like this job – I love it!
The Joker: And…here… we…go!
The Joker: You just couldn’t let me go could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible aren’t you? You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness, and I won’t kill you, because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You’ll be in a padded cell forever.
The Joker: Maybe we can share one. They’ll be doubling up, the rate this city’s inhabitants are losing their minds.
The Joker: [to Det. Stephens] Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little… emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?
Batman: What did you do?
The Joker: I took Gotham’s white knight, and brought him down to our level. It wasn’t hard. Y’see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little…push.
[laughs]
The Joker: [to Batman] We really should stop fighting, we’ll miss the fireworks!
The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules!
The Joker: See, I’m not a monster…I’m just ahead of the curve.
The Joker: See, I’m a man of simple tastes. I like dynamite…and gunpowder…and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They’re cheap!
[repeated line]
The Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars?
The Joker: [holding a knife inside Gambol's mouth] Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was….a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. Turns to me and he says “Why so serious?” Comes at me with the knife,”Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth. “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And….. Why so serious?
The Joker: You’ll see, I’ll show you, that when the chips are down, these uh… civilized people, they’ll eat each other.
The Joker: I want…I want my phone call. I want my phone call.
Detective Stephens: That’s nice.
The Joker: How many of your friends have I killed?
Detective Stephens: I’m a twenty year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners… and the freaks like you who would just enjoy it.
[pause]
Detective Stephens: And you’ve killed six of my friends.
The Joker: [faking interest, mouths "six"]
The Joker: People will die. Starting tonight. I’m a man of my word.
The Joker: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey Dent. Ohh, excuse me, I want to drive!
[gets behind the wheel of a semi truck]
The Chechen: What do you propose?
The Joker: It’s simple, we, uh, kill the Batman.
[Mobsters laugh]
Salvatore Maroni: If you’re so smart, why didn’t you kill him already?
The Joker: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
The Joker: [over the PA] Tonight you are all going to be part of a *social experiment*.
[the Batpod charges]
The Joker: Ooohhh. You want to play. Come on!
The Joker: You just couldn’t let me go, could you?
The Joker: You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength.
The Joker: [to Batman] You didn’t think I’d risk the battle for Gotham’s soul in a fistfight with you?
The Joker: [to the mob] I know what you’re afraid of. I know why you choose to have your little “group therapy sessions” in broad daylight.
[pause]
The Joker: The Batman.
Gambol: [to The Joker] Give me one reason why I shouldn’t have my boy here rip your head off.
The Joker: How about a magic trick?
[pulls out a pencil and sticks it upright into the table]
The Joker: I’m gonna make this pencil… disappear.
[Gambol's thug walks over to kill The Joker, who pushes his face into the pencil and kills him]
The Joker: Ta-daa! It’s… gone!
Gambol: You’re crazy.
The Joker: No, I’m not. No…I’m *not.*
Batman: Why do you want to kill me?
The Joker: [laughs] Kill you? I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, you… you complete me.
[Gambol makes a threat; Joker opens his coat to reveal setup of grenades on a string, which he starts to tug.]
The Joker: Now, let’s not *blow* things out of proportion here…You know what? You let me know when you start taking things a bit more seriously.
[takes out Joker card and sets it on the table]
The Joker: Here’s my *card*.
Gambol: You think you can just come in here and take our money?
The Joker: Yeah.
The Joker: Let’s turn the clocks back. A year ago, these cops and lawyers wouldn’t dare cross any of you. I mean, what happened? Did your – did your balls drop off? Hmm?
The Joker: [to Gambol's thugs] Now, our operation is small but there is a lot of potential for ‘aggressive’ expansion. So which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there’s only one spot open right now so we’re gonna have…
[breaks pool cue over knee]
The Joker: tryouts.
[throws broken pool cue at the thugs]
The Joker: Make it fast.
The Joker: [Batman slams The Joker’s head on a table] Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy.
The Joker: Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there’s no going back. You’ve changed things … forever.
Batman: Where is Dent?
The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they’ll save you.
Lt. James Gordon: [Batman slams the Joker against a wall] He’s in control.
Batman: I have one rule.
The Joker: Then that’s the rule you’ll have to break to know the truth.
Batman: Which is?
The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. And tonight you’re gonna break your one rule.
Batman: I’m considering it.
The Joker: No, there’s only minutes left, so you’re gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.
The Joker: I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so… boring. I’ve had a change of heart. I don’t want Mr.Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let’s give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn’t dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital.
The Joker: Are you the real Batman?
Brian: No.
The Joker: No? Then why do you dress like him?
Brian: He’s a symbol… that we don’t have to be afraid of scum like you.
The Joker: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!
The Joker: We made it!
The Joker: This town deserves a better class of criminal… and I’m gonna give it to them. Tell your men they work for me now. This is *my* city.
The Chechen: They won’t work for a freak…
The Joker: [mocking his accent] A freak…
[pulls out his switchblade and tosses it to some goons who grabs the Chechen]
The Joker: Why don’t we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hmm? And then we’ll see how loyal a hungry dog really is. It’s not about money… it’s about… sending a message. Everything burns.
Lt. James Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.
The Joker: Of course not.
Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?
The Joker: Me? I was right here.
[holds up his arms in handcuffs]
The Joker: Who did you leave him with? Your people? That’s assuming of course that they are still your people, and not Maroni’s. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent’s current predicament?
Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?
The Joker: What’s the time?
Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?
The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he may in one spot or several.
Lt. James Gordon: If we’re gonna play games…
[takes off Joker's handcuffs]
Lt. James Gordon: I’m gonna need a cup of coffee.
The Joker: Ah, the good cop, bad cop routine?
Lt. James Gordon: Not exactly.
Grumpy: I’m bettin’ The Joker told you to kill me soon as we loaded the cash.
The Joker: No, no. I kill the bus driver.
Grumpy: Bus driver? What bus driver?
[a school bus drives through the wall and kills Grumpy]
The Joker: [to the mob] Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn’t cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.
The Joker: It’s simple. Kill the Batman!
The Joker: [speaking to Two-Face] Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just, do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how, pathetic, their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say, ah, come here, when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I’m telling the truth.
The Joker: It’s the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and uh, look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did, to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hm? You know what, you know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a gang banger, will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all, part of the plan. But when I say that one, little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
The Joker: [Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself] Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh and you know the thing about chaos, it’s fair.
[with the gun in Two-Face's hand, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]
Two-Face: [showing the unscarred side] You live.
The Joker: Mm-hm.
Two-Face: [flipping, showing the scarred side] You die.
The Joker: Mmm, Now we’re talking.
[with the gun in Two-Face's hand, the joker has the gun to his own forehead; Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]
Two-Face: [showing the unscarred side] You live.
The Joker: Mm-hm.
Two-Face: [showing the scarred side] You die.
The Joker: Hm… Now we’re talkin!
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